Fun with Akatsuki
by VA23
Summary: The Akatsuki aren't as bad as they want to believe. Come and see the hilarity when they aren't chasing the biju. Novelization of the flash by OmniStrife.
1. The n00b

Hiya readers! It's me Ninja Wolf!

For those wondering about _Ninja Rider, _don't fret. I've basically been getting the major plotline written, and now I just need to put in the filler stuff (everything in-between, like dialogue and character interaction). So chapter 4 is on the way.

But the reason I'm writing this is because _Fun with Akatsuki, by_ Alex "OmniStrife" Novikov, is the funniest Akatsuki based flash out there. I highly recommend it. And I will be writing the dialogue like it is on the flash. Now on with it!

Only Disclaimer in this story: _Naruto_ belongs to Masashi Kishimoto and _Fun with Akatsuki_ goes to OmniStrife.

BTW: please review after reading! I'm going to write all the chapters anyway, but I would like to know how I did.

"Talking"

"**Jutsu"**

_Thinking_

_**Narration from the flash**_

(Author's Note)

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Fun with Akatsuki

Episode/Chapter I: The n00b

The Akatsuki is a criminal syndicate consisting of nine S-class missing nins. They take their job of capturing the biju very seriously. But the seriousness can't last forever. Case in point:

"Zetsu-san, please let me join Akatsuki!" the masked Tobi asked his (in his mind) best friend.

"It's not that easy!!" replied the man/Venus-fly trap/cannibal Zetsu responded to his young ward.

"Aaaw…But I found the ring I found!" pleaded the spiky haired non-Akatsukian holding up (I think) Sasori's ring.

For some unknown reason, this had a resounding effect on Zetsu's judgment. "Well, Tobi IS a good boy... (Tobi always enjoyed compliments!)…Ok. I guess we'll ask the leader."

_**Meanwhile at the Akatsuki's hideout...**_

Itachi, Kisame, the mysterious Leader, and an even mysterious-er red head (may/may not be Sasori-for Tobi's sake he is dead) were gathered around a giant Shaquiel O'Neil sized member (I have _no _idea if he's even in the gang) who was telling a very interesting story.

"Then she says 'We don't sell nail polish in buckets.'" (They all wear purple nail polish...pretty girly)

"THAT'S OUTRAGEOUS!!" the red head said (Triple rhyme!).

"HOOLIGINS!" fish face exclaimed.

"I would've killed 'em all for sure," replied the Itachi. The mere thought of not having enough nail polish made the family killer even madder than when he ran out of strawberry pocky. And he _did_ enjoy his pocky.

Then Deidara decided to interject. "Hey um...has anyone seen an arm??" He was asking because he was missing both arms and wanted at least one back. He couldn't make his art without them.

This. Was. Perfect.

"No more self-pleasure with those mouths on your hands!!" said Leader.

"HAHAHAHAHA!!! ZOMG LMAFO!1!!!" the other three guffawed.

"What's so funny? Did he fall down or something Kisame?" the Uchiha asked while his partner sweat-dropped.

Ya see, Itachi had a little problem. He was wearing dark, round sun glasses...because he was partially blind...because he used his Sharingan too much. His optometrist _did_ warn him about over using his eyes (And his dentist kept trying to get him to use sugar free pocky).

"LMAFO!1!!! HAHAHAHAHA!!!" the other three guffawed. Now they were laughing at Itachi's blindness (How mean!).

They were then interrupted by Zetsu. "Leader? It's me, Zetsu" (I just typed that!).

"Leader...Tobi here wants to join us," the plant man said introducing Tobi to the rest of the group.

Since Zetsu was referencing him, the leader decided to give him a chance. "What skills and attributes do you possess?" he asked, going into employer mode.

"Tobi's a good boy!!," Zetsu spoke up for Tobi.

"...," was the only thing Leader could say to that. Regaining himself, "HE will tell me NOW" he said in a demanding tone of voice (He could have said please).

Tobi thought for a moment, the said, "I...I possess only one thing. Let me just put my possession on." Tobi reached into his pocket and placed it over his mask.

"These are my possession!" Tobi said proudly, showing off his orange tinted goggles.

Leader raised an intrigued eyebrow. "Hmm...These look somewhat familiar..." he said, trying to place where he had seen those before.

_**To be continued...**_

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First chapter DONE!

I really hoped you all enjoyed that. Expect the next chapter/episode either tonight or tomorrow depending how long it takes me to type it.

And if OmniStrife finds this, please don't be mad! I'm just spreading the funny!

Now then...Read and Review no Jutsu!


	2. You Lack Hatred

Here we go! Chapter two!

OmniStrife kicks ass.

In order to save space, please refer to chapter one for explanations and disclaimer.

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Fun with Akatsuki

Episode/Chapter II: You Lack Hatred

Kisame was sitting on the couch watching TV. (They have satellite, cable is for n00bs). He was flipping the channels, when a cooking show caught his attention.

"Today we're going to have a great show!" the host said (sounding as if he was eating mud) with an Italian accent.

Kisame decided to watch, hoping to learn some new recipes. This decision would cost him dearly.

"Today we're going to fry some fish!" the host exclaimed.

"..." was all the mist nin could say, hoping against hope he had heard wrong.

He was proven wrong as the host began the instructions. "1st, cut the fish along the midsection." The chef did so in excruciating detail.

Kisame's face contorted into something along the lines of horror, anger, and constipation mixed together as he watched his distant cousin (sharks are related to fish) get cut up more than a Freddy Kruger victim.

But it got worse. "Now remove the intestines and spice the fist a little. You cook him for two hours and eat."

Kisame chose the worst time to faint because Zetsu had listened to the entire show also.

"Now that I think about it, he DOES look tasty..." he said to himself, licking his chops and/or his plant teeth (the things on a Venus-fly trap that look like green toothpicks). "Let's eat him!!" his other half agreed.

A few minutes late, the still unconscious shark man could be found in a giant cauldron (luckily he wasn't gutted).

"We need fire," the white half of his face said. "Yeah," the black half agreed. Both knew who to call to start a fire.

"Itachi-san! Come here for a sec."

Now Itachi wouldn't start a fire without a reason (because he was already in trouble for blowing up the toilet seat). Luckily, Zetsu knew how to push his buttons.

"Isn't that your Jinchuuriki ahead?"

Suddenly there was a nice, roaring fire beneath the cauldron.

It was then he realized his error. "We didn't remove the intestines." He wondered how Kisame would taste with them. "No biggie" he decided.

Since Kisame wasn't watching TV, Deidara decided to watch the cooking show (he couldn't change the channel).

"That's it for today! Hope you liked the fish!" the host finished while his audience applauded.

"Now for some anime!" the blond artist declared (an anime character watching anime? Ironic).

Since he could not change the channel with his hands, he improvised...by using his face. Surprisingly it worked.

"The last Quincy I saw (must be Bleach) was this old man, but you're special." the anime character on TV said.

"For the pride of the Quincy! I swear I will kill you!" another exclaimed.

This caught the attention of Mr. Glasses (Itachi) who thought Sasuke had found him. So he unleashed another fire jutsu at the poor TV.

"HOLY CRAP!!" Deidara yelled out.

Now there were a few things that Itachi did that pissed off the blond artist. Stepping on his clay figures was one. Forgetting his birthday nearly pushed him over the edge. But THIS took the icing on the kunai.

"You idiot!! You broke the TV!!!!" Deidara yelled while Itachi gloated over the ashes.

But Itachi had a one track mind. And it was only on his younger brother (obsess much?).

"I've heard your voice. I know you're here!" Hearing Deidara's voice, Itachi decided that _he_ was Sasuke.

"No! There you are! You've gotten stronger. But still...you lack hatred." He said the last part in an icy tone hoping to get a rise out of Sasuke (who is currently with the snake pedophile).

_**To be continued...**_

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Second Chapter done!

Thanks for reading, hope you enjoyed, read and review, yada yada yada, etc etc, and all that good stuff.


	3. Looking Around

Hachibaba! Chapter three!

Credit to OmniStrife.

In order to save space, please refer to chapter one for explanations and disclaimer.

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Fun with Akatsuki

Episode/Chapter III: Looking Around

Leader sat in his favorite red chair, brooding over the loss of his most treasured possession.

"I can't believe that idiot...We can't afford buying a new TV! Besides, he'll kill it again!" He was of course talking about how Itachi "killed" the television when he thought it was his younger brother.

"And now I'm going to miss, for the first time in my life, Iron Chef!" It was sad but true. Leader had never missed a single episode (he even had every action figure of every chef from every season). He could feel a single tear go down his cheek. Then he decided to do something about it.

"ITACHI! DEIDARA!!!" Leader yelled for his two subordinates.

Both missing nins hustled over and snapped to attention (with Itachi looking the wrong way).

"This has gone far enough Itachi! 1st the toilet seat (now they all had to squat) and now the TV! Go and get him a seeing eye dog!" he commanded the blond.

_**Later that day...**_

Deidara and Itachi could be seen (with the later not actually seeing) heading towards a pet shop.

"We're here, Itachi-san," the go-boom artist said to his comrade. "Automatic door, just walk ahead." When Deidara said this, he failed to notice that Itachi was a few steps to his right. So when the Sharingan user walked forward, he walked right into the wall.

"Bam! (sound effect)" went the wall, a crack forming from Itachi's hard head.

Now that pissed Itachi off. Some wall actually had the audacity to hit him in his perfect face (extremely vain). Through a bloody nose and tear filled eyes, he yelled out, "Mangekyo Sharingan!!" and activated the most powerful form of his bloodline limit.

In the next few seconds, Itachi had made a nice sized hole in the wall, complete with black flames licking the edges for added ambiance (if you can't beat 'em, go through 'em!).

"Gimme something cheap that can see! hmm...(his catchphrase) " the cyclopean blonde (his other eye is a telemascope) told the cashier.

The clerk handed Itachi the cheapest thing with eyes and feet he had...a bunny rabbit.

"There! Happy? Hmm...Now let's go back hmm... "Deidara demanded.

Without warning, Itachi picked the bunny up by the leash and began to spin him around wildly, causing Deidara to sweat-drop.

"What the hell are you doing hmm?!?!" Deidara cried, his eye has big as a plate.

"Looking around (literally!)," Itachi responded in a bored tone.

Upon leaving the store, Itachi drug his now dizzy bunny in the black flames he had created earlier, catching it on fire.

"Sniff...I smell chicken (really the rabbit)," Itachi said, deciding then and there they would stop and get some KFC on the way back.

And so the two headed back to HQ, Mr. Glasses creating a bloody smear that followed them all the way home.

_**To be continued...**_

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Third Chapter terminated!

If anyone reads this, tell my girlfriend I hate her. She ate the last Klondike bar. And she didn't review my second chapter (gives evil eye).


	4. Akatsuki Game

Fourth Chapter no Jutsu!

You know the drill.

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Fun with Akatsuki

Episode/Chapter IV: Akatsuki Game

Tobi and Zetsu were calmly walking through the woods outside of the hideout. Suddenly the two found a pair of arms, with a mouth in the palm of each.

Tobi (being the genius he was) did the only thing someone is supposed to do when they find a severed arm...he began poking it with a stick.

"He he. Looks like Deidara blew up, Zetsu-san. Think there's more of him around?" What Tobi really wanted was one of the legs so he could compete in three legged races (nobody else would partner with him).

Zetsu, however, couldn't respond. In an act of his own brilliance, he tried eating the arm he found whole. And now he couldn't get it out.

He smacked himself in the chest a couple of times to try and dislodge the limb, but to no avail.

Zetsu then tried to use gravity. He fell onto his hands and knees and tried coughing really hard.

When that did not work, he tried getting Tobi's attention (since poking a stick is _so_ much more interesting than someone choking).

"GHDFRRD!!! GOBBEED!!! ("Get over here! Help me!" probably)" the cannibal cried.

Now Tobi decided to turn around and see what his friend wanted.

Seeing that he had Tobi's attention, Zetsu hollered, "AKATSFGH GAMEGUH (no idea)!!!" he yelled/garbled.

Now to Tobi's young and innocent mind, this translated to: "Akatsuki Game? OH!!! I get it! You play this game in Akatsuki!" Tobi then (somehow) inserted the other arm into his mouth (how he got it through the mask, we'll never know) and mirrored Zetsu's "game."

"Like this Zetsu-san?? This means I'm in Zetsu-san!?" For some reason, Tobi believed that one could get in Akatsuki just by doing this little game.

Zetsu could hardly believe that someone was truly this retarded.

Now it just so happened that Deidara was in that very neck of the woods, searching for his arms.

"Boy looking for my own hands sure looks stupid hmm," he said while sweat-dropping.

Then the blonde noticed something...out of place.

No it wasn't a wolf trying to molest a red-hooded girl, nor was it a ginger bread house.

It was his teammate Zetsu and his young friend Tobi, playing a game on their knees.

The clay artist then noticed that the both of them were...eating his arms?

Deidara was frozen in shock, with a lot of big sweat-drops going down his head.

Then (defying the laws of physics) steam blew out of his ears while angry music played in the background.

Deidara then jumped in the air, and dropped kicked the crap out of Zetsu.

The force of the kick was so great, it caused the plant man to go, "BLLEAUGHR ERRIAUGHA BUAHHH!!!"

"ZOMG!!!" Tobi yelled when he saw the result of the butt-kicking.

Not only had Zetsu barfed up the arm, he also expelled out what looked like a dog, and, most surprisingly, Kisame (who had been MIA since Episode II).

This pleased Tobi to no end. "Do it again!!!!" he yelled (the other arm still in his mouth) wanting to see more.

_**To be continued...**_

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Fourth Chapter Kai!

Now read and review or you'll personally see what else Zetsu ate (he'll eat you!!!).


	5. Auditions

The fifth from Chapter. The fifth is go.

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Fun with Akatsuki

Episode/Chapter V: Auditions

_**After Orochimaru left Akatsuki, Auditions were held in order to fill his space...**_

Deidara, Kisame, Leader, Zetsu, and Itachi (looking the wrong way...again) sat behind a long wooden desk. Today they would be holding auditions for the next Akatsuki Idol...I mean member.

"Well, let the auditions begin," said Leader.

"Well, says here that you're an alien from outer space, know as a Saiyan?" Leader asked the first hopeful, who had tall, spiky black hair and a scowl on his face.

"Yeah. I destroy planets!" replied the alien.

Leader was impressed. "Interesting. I like your attitude. But the spiky hair has got to go. It's leader exclusive (it took two hours to get it perfect)."

"A Saiyan's hair remains the same his entire life!" replied the Saiyan.

Leader contemplated this for a few seconds. "Unfortunate...I could stand Kisame's hair since he's a fish. Well...you're an alien...no matter! Show me what you got!"

With those words the onyx haired Saiyan powered up his energy so that his hair turned blonde and even more spiky. To make it look cooler, lightning bolts flew around him.

This just pissed off Leader even more. He had a vein pulsing on his forehead and his eye was twitching. "Think you're funny huh? MORE SPIKES?!?! NEXT!!"

As the rejected alien prince left, muttering "foolish earthling" and "would've let Kakarot in", the next auditioner took his place.

This one had long silver hair that went down his back, with two long bangs over his face.

Leader was having trouble pronouncing his name. "Se...phiroth. Long name you got there. 'Hater of humanity bla bla'...well do you best!" Leader finished, giving Sephiroth the floor.

Sephiroth concentrated and let loose his most powerful technique...a two-foot-in-diameter, burning rock that made a resounding BOOM! as it hit the floor.

The judges sat there in silence until Itachi said, "I think there's someone at the door (maybe the pizza they ordered earlier)."

Leader wasn't impressed. "Deidara can throw rocks too (its artistic clay you fool!), and Kisame's got the sword user spot occupied. NEXT!!"

The next one was tall, thin, looked as if he hadn't seen the sun in 13 years, and bald.

"Orochimaru?" Leader asked in surprise, "Have you gone bald?" He looked closer. "No its not you. Are you both related?"

Getting back to the interview. "Says here your name 'must not be named'. That won't do!!!" Everybody was trying his patience today. "Only I, the Leader, am allowed to keep my name a secret!! We'll discuss it late. Show me what you can do," he told the snake man.

The unnamed hopeful raised a long wooden stick, pointed at Leader, and cried "AVEDA KADAVRA!!"

A bright green light flashed. When it subsided, the mysterious stranger sweat dropped when he saw what he had done.

"Well??" Leader said impatiently. "What was that supposed to...Hey...What is THAT!?!" he yelled.

Upon Leader's forehead, there was a red lightening bolt shaped scar. "WHAT THE &#$ DID YOU DO TO ME YOU IDIOT!! GET IT OFF!!" Leader was desperate to get it off because he feared that his date on Friday would think he had an oddly shaped zit. "NEXT!!"

The next applicant was wearing a large black helmet, and was breathing very slowly and loudly.

"So Mr. Tin Can Head, aka 'Darth Vader', got something to say before we begin?" Leader asked the Stith Lord.

"I...am...YOUR FATHER!!!" replied the force user.

"NEXT!!!"

(And now the man of the hour!) Tobi stood before the Akatsuki members, looking very nervous/hopeful.

"FOR THE LAST TIME TOBI...NO!!!" Leader yelled, slow enough for Tobi to understand.

"BUT TOBI IS A GOOD BOY!!!" Tobi pleaded as he watched his last hope of joining the Akatsuki growing dimmer.

"THAT'S THE PROBLEM YOU IDIOT!" Leader screamed.

"Crap. We're out of candidates." Leader said disappointedly to the other four judges (forgot about them didn't ya!).

"It seems I have no choice but to announce the newest member..." Tobi stood stock stile, holding his breath. With nobody left he would win by default!

"Itachi's bunny!" Tobi face vaulted.

As the newest member, Crispy was given a brand new coat, and a ring to wear on his ear.

_**To be continued...**_

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	6. Criminal Record

The following criminal cases are real. Names have not been changed to protect the stupid just so that we may laugh at them.

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Fun with Akatsuki

Episode/Chapter VI: Criminal Record

_**As you all probably know, Akatsuki is an organization made of S rank criminals. However, even the biggest criminals started small...**_

_**Now you will see some of the crimes committed by the notorious Akatsuki...**_

Sharingan eyes slowly spun, staring at a _Naruto OST: Volume III _CD, while a small percent number slowly grew. At 100, the teen unleashed a small fire jutsu at three CDs on his desk, burning them to a crisp.

Suddenly there were several knocks at his door, and a gruff voice said, "This is the RIIA!!! Open up, Mr. Uchiha!" Itachi knew he was caught.

_Name: Uchiha, I._

_Crime: Copying and burning copywrited CD-ROMs._

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Today was a perfect day. The birds were singing, the sun was shining, and the younglings were playing. To top off Deidara's day, there was a small bundle of joy at his feet.

"Aww...what a cute little kitten hmm!" said the up-and-coming artist. He decided to pet the cutesy-wutesy kitty.

Unfortunately, Deidara had yet to eat lunch. So when his hand came close to the cat, the mouth in his palm engulfed the cat's head hungrily, while the blonde sweat-dropped with a tear in his eye.

Thinking the cat to be in pain, the artist quickly removed his hand. More unfortunately, this ripped the cat's head right off, causing a geyser of blood to come spewing out (which has been censored for the young kids).

_Name: Deidara_

_Crime: Animal abuse and insanity_

(please note that Deidara is now in the loony bin after what he did)

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The red head slowly crept up on the unsuspecting victim. When he was right behind him, Sasori yelled (at the most kick-ass fighter in Mortal Kombat), "Hey skull head!! I #$& your mother!!!"

Now Scorpion was pissed.

He went into his stance, yelled out, "GET OVER HERE!!!" and shot his spear-rope at the read headed puppet man...only for Sasori to open a secret compartment on his chest and steal the weapon.

"Call the cops! I've been robbed!!" Scorpion cried.

"There he is officer!!! That's the guy who stole my spear!" the yellow clad ninja said, pointing to Sasori (who only ran 10 ft away).

"Sir, did you steal his spear right now?" the law man asked.

"Err...no," Sasori said, trying to seem innocent.

Suddenly his nose grew out two feet long and the officer's eyes bugged out. "Crap..." He had forgotten what that stupid blue fairy did to him.

_Name: Sasori _

_Crime: Theft_

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Most people were enjoying the day at Seaworld. But not our favorite shark/human hybrid.

Kisame had had enough. The sun was too hot, the trainers too stupid and the kids were throwing stuff at him.

"I've had enough of this place!! I'm escaping!!" he told his orca friend.

For _no_ apparent reason, a tidal wave erupted from Kisame's tank.

"Bye Willy!! I'm leavin!'" the shark man said, surfing on his Samehada.

"Bye bye my friend!!" said the killer whale. "Good riddance!" he added when Kisame was out of ear shot.

Then Willy noticed what Kisame was headed for (Kisame did not because he was flipping off tourists). "Watch out for the..." was all he could yell before "KERSMAKA!!!" Kisame had hit the Seaworld sign. "..gate. Idiot."

_Name: Kisame_

_Crime: Attempted escape from Seaworld _

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Zetsu calmly waited on the street corner, dressed in a long brown trench coat and a brown hat hung sideways on his plant mouth.

His patience paid off as a young black haired boy with orange tinted goggles and a red and white fan on his back walked by.

"Psst. Hey you!!" Zetsu said to the lad.

"I can tell by your red eye that you smoke. Wanna buy some weed?" He was totally gonna sell to this kid, he could feel it in his chlorophyll.

"You can't find ANYTHING better than this shit I grow here on my head. So? What's your name anyway?" One of the most important rules in selling is to know your customers.

The boy paused for a moment before answering, "My name is...um...Obi...Obi..." it seemed the kid had forgotten his own name. (OBI WAN KENOBI all the way baby!!!) "Obi...to...TOBI!!"

"Tobi...right. So be a good boy Tobi n' buy some of my shit." Zetsu said.

"Yes...Tobi is...Tobi is...A good boy!" Tobi said turning around and showing that the left half of his body was horribly mutilated.

"FREEZE!! Selling weed again huh? You freak...we got you at last." said a police officer as Zetsu seat-dropped. He knew he was caught.

_Name: Zetsu_

_Crime: Growing and selling drugs_

_Name: Tobi_

_Crime: Caught buying drugs_

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The air was cool and the stars were our. Truly it was a beautiful night.

But this wasn't the kind of beauty the two shadowy figures were watching.

"You were right sensei, there are a ton of girls bathing at night!!" the younger figure said to the other, much older one. (Both of them were peeking at the women's bath, in case you couldn't figure that out)

Suddenly the large, white haired man noticed the authorities behind them and hightailed it outta there, leaving the younger lad to take the rap.

"What the hell do you think you're doing boy!?" the officer said as the kid sweat-dropped.

_Name: Akatsuki leader_

_Crime: Caught doing a shameful act_

(please note that the young lad has blond, spiky hair and his name plate reads "Uzumaki, A"dun dun duuunnn...ahem, sorry)

_**To be continued...**_


	7. You Lack Power

Ninja Wolf: Hey hey! Sorry I haven't updated this story in so long. I got lost on the path of life.

Kakashi: No you didn't.

NW: Kakashi!? What are you doing here?

Kakashi: You were gone for so long, they sent me out to find you.

NW: Who do you mean 'they'?

Kakashi: Ya know...**them.**

NW: Oh...guess I better get on with...hey look a distraction! (Points in opposite direction)

Kakashi: WHERE!!?! (Looks other way while Ninja runs and hides)

Kakashi: Damn it. Every time. I'll do it then:

WARINING

This chapter contains multiple uses of the word penis (and it has a _very _weird ending). So if you can't handle that, then don't read. This fic is rated 'T' for ages 13 and up and they say a lot worse things in PG-13 movies. And Ninja Wolf doesn't own anything.

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Fun with Akatsuki

Episode/Chapter VII- You Lack Penis

The stars were bright and the moon was full, casting just enough light for the cloaked figure to see by.

He continued to stare the other way as Sasori of the Red Sand came up behind him.

Sasori decided to break the silence. "Face your master, spy." The spy started to sweat-drop.

The spy turned to face his master and said in a confused tone, "Sasori-sama? Is it really you?"

Now it was Sasori's turn to sweat-drop. "What do you mean?? Can't you see it's me?" he asked, worried that the plan had been compromised.

"Actually...no."

"_Crap! Damn...Sakura screwed up on Sasori's description!!!" _(That's right boys and girls. Sasori isn't who he says he is.)

"Just wait a second..." the spy said, turning around again.

'Sasori' had a hundred questions running through his mind. What was the spy about to do? Why did God make the platypus? Why wasn't eleven pronounced onety-one? If vegetarians ate vegetables, then what did humanitarians eat?

He then decided that the first question was the most important in this situation.

Suddenly, the spy turned back around, now wearing glasses. "Oh!! So it WAS you!"

"_Phew!" _the plan was safe.

"Just hurry up this time. I have a game of Twister soon with Sasuke and Orochimaru." (Okay...creepy)

"_F&$K!!! He just said the 'S' word!!" _Sasori thought in a panic.

Suddenly, there was a very loud yell that came from the yellow, orange, and black form that was Naruto Uzumaki. "WHERE IS SASEEEKEEE, DATEBAYO!!!?" (That last bit was his catchprase before the translators really screwed it up.)

"That's the Kyuubi Jinchuuriki, Uzumaki Naruto!! Get him Sasori!!!" said Kabuto (how could you _not_ figure out that was him?).

"No!"

"WHO THE HELL ARE YOU!?" Kabuto yelled, incensed that anybody would dare imitate his true master.

"I am..." there was a small poof, and Kabuto found himself facing the scariest thing he had ever seen. Sasori turned out to be Yamato, who had activated his patented 'ghoul eyes' (really he just held a flashlight under his face like you do when you tell ghost stories). "...YOUR **WORST** NIGHTMARE!" he said in a distorted voice.

Before he knew what hit him, Kabuto was on the ground, his glasses cracked, his mouth foaming, and a small yellow stain around his groin.

_**After Kabuto spilled all his bodily fluids, he also spilled the whereabouts of the Akatsuki's hideout...**_

Naruto, Yamato, Sai, and Sakura all found themselves at the side of a mountain. They all sweat-dropped and wondered how in the world the Akatsuki kept their hideout a secret, as there was a big sign proclaiming "AKATSUKI" that was surrounded by lots of flashing lights and arrows. And 'Viva Las Vegas' was booming out of unseen speakers.

As they entered they were confronted by Deidara, Itachi, Zetsu, Tobi, Kisame, and the Leader.

But Team 7 had an ace up their sleeve. "Go get 'em Sai!" yelled Naruto.

"I smell the Jinchuuriki!" Itachi exclaimed.

Sai chose him to be the first victim. "He he. You're blind. How stupid!"

For some reason, Itachi was still trying to piss off his younger brother. "Sasuke? Foolish little brother...you lack hatred!!!"

Sai merely took the insult and hurled it right back with 10x the force! "I don't have any emotions idiot. And besides...you lack penis!"

Itachi couldn't take the overload and flipped upside down with a huge sweat-drop...above his feet?

"Why you little brat mmm!" Deidara was angry this kid had the audacity to intrude on their secret lair.

Since Deidara was still missing both his arms, Sai had the perfect insult for him.

"I guess that thing that got your arms didn't spare your penis!"

Deidara imitated Itachi and even had the gravity defying sweat-drop.

In Sai's opinion, Kisame was the perfect target.

"WOW!! Problem's with the ladies I guess. You didn't hit one for so long, you've taken the term 'blue balls' to a new level!"

The reverse sweat-drop claimed a new victim.

Zetsu was determined to not let this kid get to him. But unfortunately, he underestimated Sai's cunning.

"So, what do you call yours then? Mr. Twig or Sir Branch?"

Need I say what happened?

Tobi, being the enigma wrapped in a mystery tied up in a paradox that he is, didn't give Sai a chance. Instead he flipped upside down himself. "Like this, Zetsu-san? Am I in now!?"

Now on to the big daddy.

"Like father like son I guess" the ink user said to Leader (who still had a lightning bolt shaped scar on his forehead). Leader, being the ever mysterious person he was, made his sweat-drop turn just as colorless as he was.

"Good job! They won't wake up for a few weeks. According to Kabuto, that was the last one." Yamato said.

Unbeknownst to the group, Akatsuki **had** initiated a new member. A member who at that very moment was contemplating the most horrible revenge he could muster against the Leaf village.

Okay I'm lying. The newest member didn't do anything but sit on the ground and be dead. You guessed right. It was Crispy, Itachi's bunny!

Suddenly, creepy organ music started playing, and Crispy was eaten by a large purple snake...that promptly spit him back up. The snake forgot that burnt tissue + weeks of decomposition not a very tasty snack.

(And now for the REALLY weird part. I'm just going to let you figure this out for yourselves.)

Orochimaru sat with a look of pure excitement on his face.

_HE SAW!! _The snake man thought giddily.

Sasuke merely stood still, paralyzed from the horror he had just seen.

(I would go into more detail about them being in a bathroom and sexy music playing, but I don't want to be kicked off the site.)

"TO **BE** CONTINUED!" (Yamato with the flashlight again)

xxxxxxx

Thanks for reading, reviews appreciated, next chapter up soon, etc etc etc.

(Don't blame me if you can't get to sleep tonight. Kakashi did warn you!)


	8. Red Clouds

HA! Thought that I had given up this story didn't you? Well you were wrong buster! I'm back and funnier than ever.

I am just writing out a parody of a manga/anime, so BACK evil lawyers to the sewage pit you crawled out of!!!

FwA goes to OmniStrife and Naruto to Kishimoto.

(These are my author's notes and do not appear in the flash animation)

xxxxxxx

Fun with Akatsuki

Episode/Chapter VIII: Red Clouds

All was quiet as the group of strange (freaks, geeks, and serpentine tweeks (is that even a word?)) yet dangerous missing nins waited for the one who had gathered them all here in the damp yet fabulously furbished cave.

Suddenly, the one they would all one day call Leader (cough Pein cough cough) appeared before them with a poster board in his hand.

"Welcome to the 1st Akatsuki meeting, my fellow criminals, killers, and misunderstood freaks," he said to (in order from left to right) the corpse eating man/plant thing Zetsu in his brown overcoat and hat, the blond go-boom artist Deidara in a green turtleneck, and our favorite blue man/shark hybrid Kisame who wasn't wearing a shirt (down fan girls, down!) but only a strap for Samehada.

Next to him (crouched near the floor) was Sasori the puppet master who was encased in his giant puppet…scorpion…tank…thing. To his left stood the pale and greasy haired hebi-sannin Orochimaru, and next to him was (his current crush) Itachi Uchiha, looking all bad ass in his high collar shirt.

And then there was some _huge _guy in a brown shirt and matching pants, but I have no clue who he is.

Leader chose his next words carefully. "Since we're all…err…so 'unique' (that's putting it kindly), I'd like to discuss with you the matter of a cool uniform." Nobody will take a bad ass seriously if they don't look cool.

"Whaddaya think?" he asked, showing the picture on the poster.

All they could do was sweat drop.

The picture was one of a young man with purple hair, wearing a most horrible ensemble of white pants, a black undershirt, a white shirt that stopped right below the ribs and had a slit in the middle, blue gloves and a rose in his mouth to complete the master…I mean crapsterpeice.

Deidara was the first to recover from the shock. "No way! What kind of evil organization would wear that?! I'd rather cut off my hands than wear that gay ass uniform, hmm!" (He can see the future!)

"I don't know…I kinda like it actually," Orochimaru said. Everyone moved a few steps away after that.

Sasori decided to put in his artistic opinion. "I think it should be something black and baggy with a hood…I mean, can you really expect me to wear THAT?!"

(Mind Thought)

"_I want to be the very best,_

_Like no one ever was..." _sang a women's voice as Sasori tried on his uniform. Unfortunately, it just made him look like a gay turtle with a purple main and a rose in his mouth.

(Back to the sane (yeah right!) reality)

Sweat dropping slightly at that disturbing thought, Leader redrew the picture. "How about this then??" he asked.

The picture had the same purple haired guy, but now he was wearing a black cloak with a red A on it, and what looked liked a spiky black scarf around his neck.

"Well it's better, but the blue hair is stupid as hell!" Zetsu said. (I mean _really_, who would have _blue _hair?)

"LIKE GREEN'S ANY BETTER?!" Kisame (oh yeah…him) yelled, getting ready for a fight.

"We're Akatsuki, so how about some red moons?" the big guy (who the crap is he?!?) said, stopping the quarrel.

"I say red CLOUDS. Much more artistic," chimed the puppet master.

The new picture was the same, but now the cloak had red pictures of a spiky haired boy with a large blade slung over his shoulder and had video game victory music playing in the background.

"Err…the OTHER clouds…the ones in the sky," Sasori said with a huge sweat drop.

Draw draw draw…purple hair, black cloak, little red poofy clouds.

Leader was quite pleased now that he didn't hear any griping. "This is it the. Everyone happy now? What do you think, Itachi-kun? You didn't say anything at all."

With a cool stare, Itachi replied "It's weak. Why is it so weak?? Because it lacks…"

The others held their breath at what the Uchiha would say. Did it lack hatred? Power? A pastrami sandwich? A cool dragon tattoo?

"…a big ass neckband," the family killer finished. Itachi's second most favorite thing after pocky was big ass neck bands.

The Leader added the neckband, but still something was missing.

"How about an opening? It'd be hard for me to get in it," Zetsu said pointing to his Venus fly trap.

Now there was a red line running down the middle of the cloak. Perfect.

But Orochimaru just had to open his big mouth. "I think the opening should be placed on the back side! Ku ku ku! Don't you think so too, Uchiha Itachi?" The snake man said while reaching for Itachi's bum.

Itachi grabbed the arm and crushed it, making the arm sweat drop (wtf?). Itachi would show this pervert the meaning of true pain by using his Mangekyo Sharingan's genjutsu, Tsukiyomi.

Suddenly, Orochimaru found himself crucified to a cross. The world he was in was devoid of all color, except red, white, and black.

"72 hours of torture start now" Itachi said to his captive.

"I'm the master of torture!! YOU GOT NOTHING ON ME YOU LITTLE BRAT!!" Orochimaru said defiantly and echoy.

"Hey, Orochimaru-kun!" said a female voice.

Looking down, the snake saw his old teammate. "Eh? Oh, hey Tsunade."

"What's up, big boy?" the very well endowed blond women asked. Then she did something horrible. Something unspeakable. Something that would haunt Orochimaru forever. Something that the author of this fic wishes he could see.

She flashed Orochimaru. And he _freaked _out.

"71 hours, 59 minutes, and 59 seconds left," came the disembodied voice of Itachi Uchiha.

"AAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!!"

When he was released from his torture (lucky guy), Orochimaru stormed out of the base, tears rolling down his face, cradling his injured arm, and cried out "I QUIT! He's too strong!"

Now that there was an opening, everyone's favorite powerful mastermind Madara…no sorry…favorite little idiot Tobi (yeah…that's who it is) came swinging from the rafters. "Zetsu-san? Can I join now?? You lost a member."

"No Tobi! You can't join us! I think I've told you that enough!" Leader yelled angrily.

Quickly thinking of a reason, Tobi replied "But I can get you ten pairs of pants just like mine for your uniforms!"

"You give us your pants and we'll consider letting you hang with us. And maybe, just maybe join us one day." Leader said. Tobi may be an idiot, but he's got great fashion sense.

"OMG!!! I'm sooo happy!!!" Tobi exclaimed. "Here you can have mine right now!!!" And with that, the idiot ripped his pants off upside down and tried to hand them to leader.

Everyone sweat dropped at this display of retardation. There was even one in Orochimaru's missing spot.

"In moments like these…I wish I were blind," Itachi said with his eyes closed. (Be careful what you wish for!)

Suddenly, a shout cut through the stillness. "WOW!!! I've changed my mind. Can I join you guys again?"

"GO AWAY OROCHIMARU!!!" Leader yelled, finally losing his patience.

_**To be continued…**_

**_------------------------------------------------------------------------_**

Well I had fun! Expect Fun with Akatsuki to be finished by Saturday. And if I misspelled something, don't worry. I'm only human!

Till next time!

PS…sorry to all my Rider fans. The next chapter is a bitch to get on my computer. But expect it soon! Promise!


	9. PTA

Sup?

I wanted to finish this novelization of a fan video before the one year anniversary (that and I'm at a blockade on DPDF). So all you necromancers can stop trying to raise me/this fic from the dead.

Once again, _Fun with Akatsuki _belongs to OmniStrife and _Naruto _is owned by Kishimoto.

(Author's notes)-do not appear in video. Just my thoughts; my zany, drug induced thoughts.

xxx

Fun with Akatsuki

Episode/Chapter IX: PTA

Sasori, Deidara, Zetsu, Itachi, Kisame and Orochimaru sat in order from left to right on wood chairs, as though they were back in grade school and about to be chastised by the principal. The six of them were nervous. VERY nervous.

"Why?" you ask? Leader had summoned them all in person. And Leader NEVER did that. Akatsuki only communicated through those cool hologram rings and the only time they physically gathered was when Leader had SUPER bad news.

If only those poor souls knew.

"Dear friends," Pein said with his lightning bolt scar still above his left eye. "I think it's about time I notify your parents about your progress in our gang." (you **don't** want to know what they had to do for haze week)

His subordinates started to worry.

"Fellow Akatsukis," Pain said with an air of authority about him. "I think it's about time for your 1st... (insert dramatic pause)…**PTA!" **he said, the last three letters booming out and striking fear into the hearts of the murderers and madmen.

10 minutes later, Payne was situated in his office (really just the TV room) and looked at the parenting roster in front of him. Hidan's and Kakuzu's parents couldn't come, as their sons had out lived them via immortality. Konan was an orphan, so she was in the clear.

Tobi's parents…were as mysterious as their son was. Madara…err… Tobi didn't talk about them and Peyne didn't ask him to invite them cuz he was off picking daises or plotting world domination or something. Leader didn't care.

So he called in the blue man. "Mr. and Mrs. Hoshigaki, come in please!"

Kisame came in followed by a man in a gray shirt, red overalls, black spiky hair like his son's, and a moustache. The man placed a gold fish bowl (complete with complementary gold fish) on the desk.

Paine stared at this for a few seconds before asking, "So Mrs. Hoshigaki couldn't come to the PTA, Kisame?"

"Nah, she's here," Kisame said, motioning to the gold fish. "My mom's the one in the fish bowl."

"I AM SO SORRY FOR MY SON'S TERRIBLE UGLINESS!!" Kisame's father suddenly blurted in an Italian accent.

"There he goes at it again…" the hybrid said, totally embarrassed by his father.

He then slammed his head on the table when his father started talking again. "You see, my previous wife squirrel cheated on me…so I married this less than attractive goldfish." The fish got mad at this insult, but forgot about it in 5 seconds.

Paiyne had a look that practically screamed "WTF?" as the animal lover kept talking. "I really love animals, you understand?"

Leader had a large sweat drop as he quickly said, "Kisame's a good villain, no problems, now go away!!"

The body switcher regained his composure as the sin of nature left with his parents. "Mr. and Mrs. Uchiha, come in!"

There was an odd –thump- and –bump- and Leader was forced to question his sanity.

"Itachi!! What the hell did you bring!?"

To the blind Uchiha's left sat two skeletons in decaying robes. "What? These are my parents," he said, nodding to his right. "You told us to bring them."

It was as quiet as a tomb (intended pun) before Itachi started to explain his parent's silence. "Mind you, they're not so talkative since the piñata party when I was 13. Both never spoke to me again." (a moment of silence for those who got in the way of Itachi's bat)

Before Leader could politely (read: scream insanely) tell Itachi that his parents were well past worm food, the Mangekyou wielder spoke again.

"And then Sasuke left. Mom got so worried. She hasn't eaten anything since then. Now look at her; she's all anorexic! They blame me for that back in Konoha!"

"Well…I…uh, see," Pain said haphazardly, not looking at the gruesome twosome. "I see no problems with your son, Mr. and Mrs. Uchiha."

Itachi left with his parents to go have a nice sit down dinner at Applebee's.

"Zetsu!" Payne yelled. "It's your turn! Come in!"

The black and white Venus fly trap man thing sat down by himself.

"Well? Where are you're parents?" Pane asked in an annoyed tone.

An embarrassed smile came over both halve of Zetsu's face. "

"You see, I got quite hungry on the way here…" Thankfully, he left out the finer details. "I can still puke them out if you want." Scratch that.

Leader had a panicked look on his face as he imagined the dry cleaning bill that would come of that. "Err…no. It's okay. You may go, Zetsu."

_I get the teachers every time with that one!_ Zetsu thought smugly.

"Deidara! Come in! It's your turn!"

The blonde feminine artist walked in with two, at first glance, normal parents (thank God!), his father in a red shirt and mother in a blue shirt. Looking closer, they didn't appear to have mouths.

"Diedara is really good. He got a Jinchuuriki. No problems," Paine said in his normal voice. "He's one of the best. You should be proud."

Diedara's father gave a smile without his mouth, while the demolition master held up his right hand. "We are proud!" it said, in a deep masculine voice. "Thank you and goodbye," the left hand said, in a high pitch voice.

Pushing the envelope farther, he called in the other artist. "Sasori, come in!"

Sasori sat in the middle chair with his mother and father on either side. For some reason, his grandma, Chiyo, was also there. Faint blue lines extended from her fingers to Sasori's parents.

The artist formally known as Nagato furrowed his brow. "Well, I'm quite disappointed in Sasori. So talented, yet no Jinchuuriki!" he said, obviously overlooking the fact that Sasori helped capture Gaara.

"You're slacking off!?" said Sasori's grandmother. Before he could explain, Sasori was pierced and killed by his puppet parents.

"Lucky for him I can revive the dead!" said Chiyo.

"Heh heh…yeah. Lucky for him!" Pain said, greatly disturbed by this act of grandson-cide.

Payne gave a sigh of relief when he saw that he only had one more go suffer through. "Orochimaru! You are last! Come on in!"

When Paine saw who came with the future pedophile, he freaked out.

"YOU AGAIN!?"

"Forgive my son for his ugliness," the Italian animal f--ker said. "But I also really love snakes!"

Orochimaru and his purple python momma kept quiet.

Leader placed his hands over his ears to stop the madness. "NO I DON'T WANNA KNOW!! JUST GET THE HELL OUT!!"

When they left, Pain began to cry. "And the worst has yet to come!!" he wailed. "My own son's PTA!!" (dun dun duuuuun!)

-Later that day-

"Well Mr. Uzumaki," the scarred Chunin known as Iruka said. "Your son…IS AN IDIOT!!"

"Tell me about it…" Payne said despairingly, as Naruto laughed as the bucket of water that was on his dad's head continued to drip.

xxx

I feel much better.

Expect a new chapter for _Different Past, Different Future _after chapter 10 of this is finished.

And yes, I did spell Leader's name several ways as a joke to the different ways it's translated. Lolz.


End file.
